this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
