two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
