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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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