after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Terrible idea I love it
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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