It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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