You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
