I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize