The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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