Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
