Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
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I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
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Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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