I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
