I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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