So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
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