the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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