Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
