Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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