Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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