It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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