mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
