Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize