he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
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