watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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