this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
