She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
