Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Barsexuality is the new black.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I am available for nakedness
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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