I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
