He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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