my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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