The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
how drunk are you?
Several
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
