I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
