The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
