seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
