Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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