Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
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you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
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I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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