The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
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Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
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Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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