it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
