My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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