Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
