Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
