Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
