Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
