One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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