Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
