The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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