Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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