if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
