Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
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I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
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He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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