made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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