im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
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