dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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