GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
