i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
