I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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