P.S. I can't hear my feet
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
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It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
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Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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