I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
