So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
