I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
