Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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