My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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