Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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