i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
